Wednesday, April 12, 2006

New Stage of Recovery?

I was up until 3:00 am working so I'll be brief today.

I've been feeling a strong sense of melancholy lately and Joseph's Left One sort of put a finger on it with a poem he posted yesterday called "19." I'm realizing that something was stolen from me that can never be returned or regained. I'm grieving for the experiences and opportunities that I missed because I focused on being a faithful Mormon. I'm grieving for how I judged and looked down on people who weren't as "smart" as me and able to see the "truth." I'm grieving for how it has shaped my personality in undesirable ways.

I really can't do anything about it but move on and live life as best I can. But even that path is littered with pain as the path that my life is taking separates from the path that my wife is on. We've never fought much and keep our feelings inside, but the signs of tension are there. The "Coffee Brewer Incident" is part of a larger pattern where small items take on a larger symbolism for the changes that are going on that one or the other of us don't want.

2 comments:

Cynthia E. Bagley said...

Oh yes... I understand; however, I left the church in my 20's so I had a lot more time to get to know myself. You not only had your time stolen from you, but you also lost your real self. I suppose you are in your 40's ???

Joseph's Left One said...

I understand completely. 40 years of wasted time and warped attitudes. We have a lot to make up for, don't we?

Just be happy we both got out, and at approximately the same time.

Glad you liked my poem, by the way.